The following post is by editor Kara Fleck.

Last winter I mentioned a cause close to my heart that I wanted to get involved in: The Mother Bear Project.  I pledged to knit a bear in honor of each of my kids.  I have my pattern, a stash of worsted weight yarn, and I’m ready to get started.

The Mother Bear Project

The Mother Bear Project is dedicated to making a difference and bringing comfort to children impacted by AIDS/HIV in emerging nations by giving them a handmade bear.  The bears are knit or crocheted and then given to the children with a tag signed by the crafter who poured his or her love into the stitches.

As a knitter, and as a mother who knows how much her own children are connected to their stuffed animals, I was immediately drawn to the project.  When my kids are sad or scared, they cuddle with their “lovies” and find comfort. Every child deserves to have a bear to love and cuddle – to find comfort.

The pattern for the bears (knit or crochet) is $5 and you can purchase it online or by mail.  I’ve also learned that the pattern for the bears is in the book Knitting for Peace by Betty Christiansen.

You create your bear, everyone uses the same pattern, and then send it to Mother Bear along with $3 to cover the cost of shipping.  The bears then head off to their new homes, ready to be loved and offer comfort and joy.

Getting Involved

There are many ways to get involved with The Mother Bear Project.  You can …

• Knit or crochet bears
• Sponsor bears
• Join the Mother Bear Project on facebook
• Purchase Mother Bear gifts
• Make a monetary donation
• Donate needed supplies
• Volunteer

I would love it if those of you who knit, or crochet, would knit along with me on a Mother Bear KAL (knit-a-long).

I plan to cast on for my first bear, which I’m knitting in honor of my oldest daughter, Jillian, later today. She is actually a knitter herself, and has asked if she can help me make bears. I will be checking in once a month or so to update you on my progress, but I would also love to hear from those of you who are making bears, too.

I think it would be wonderful if we could encourage each other and do something kind for these special children at the same time.

Will you join me in Knitting (or Crocheting) Along some bears for the Mother Bear Project? What causes do you craft for? Do you get your kids involved in the charity crafting?

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The following post is by contributor Robin Zipporah of The Not-Ever-Still Life.
Every so often my oldest child, almost six, will flip through a pile of papers on the lower shelf of my bedside table. “What bedtime story did you read last night?” she’ll ask.

Those papers are all books that she or her sister have made, and it stands to reason, doesn’t it? that if she chooses a few books from her bedside table to read every night, so do I. I love when she asks that question. I love how integrally we’ve made reading part of the rhythm of our home.

With their innate curiosity and creative problem-solving, children are natural storytellers. In our house, we’ve been capturing our kids’ stories and making books from them for several years. They needn’t be fancy; most of the time our tools are just some paper and crayons. And this is a project you can complete with kids of any age:

For toddlers and preschoolers

Even our earliest talkers have big ideas. When my daughters were very young, I’d interview them with a series of two-choice questions and a few open-ended ones, like this: “do you want to make a story about a princess or a monster? Okay, a monster. A girl monster or boy monster or something else? A boy monster! Does he have one head or more heads? More! How many?” And so on.

I’d take their answers and construct a simple narrative and print it out in two- or three-sentence snippets. “One day the five-headed monster woke up and decided he wanted to have a picnic for breakfast. So he asked Mommy Monster to help him, and she carried his favorite monster food out to the backyard.” Then I’d glue each snippet to a piece of blank paper and ask my girls to create an accompanying illustration.

Suggest a topic for illustration on each page, and encourage your young artists. Embrace your love of abstract art! “What does monster food look like? Can you draw some here?” My four-year-old, when she was two, would describe her plan for every drawing in the same way: I’m making a beauuuutiful scribble-scrabble!

Photo by Tillwe

For early readers and writers

My first girl, the one who’s almost six, is enjoying her year of kindergarten and thoroughly loves the process of learning to read. For her, I don’t type up any words. When she wants to make a book, we have a meeting in her office (her bed) or my office (my bed).

The formal planning process is important to her, and providing structure to her project as such translates to the structure she pours into her creation. We talk through her story and then she sits down to paint or color each illustration.

Once the images are complete, we go back and add a line or two of text to each page. Scrap paper is important. I have her try to write out each word on her own. We normally don’t worry about perfect spelling or backwards letter-writing, but a book is a different story (ahem). Because she loves to reread her books again and again, and because flaws really bother her enjoyment of her creations, I help her perfect her spelling of each word on scrap paper before she copies it carefully onto her illustration.

Photo by RISD Museum

For fluent readers and writers

I haven’t reached this stage yet with my own children, but I’m beginning to imagine the possibilities. We have beloved characters who appear again and again in our family narrative, as I’m sure you do, as well. Instead of having them wander through individual stories, as my girls (and eventually, my toddler son) grow bigger, I’d love to help them codify our personal oral traditions into a series of stories. Or maybe you invent a new superhero story every night at bedtime? How about making a chapter book?

I also plan to use our tradition of bookmaking as a safe and familiar way to introduce some new technology skills. When my kids are ready for longer blocks of text, they can learn to type on the computer. When their ideas for illustration grow more sophisticated, they can practice their internet and mouse skills with some mama-approved digital illustration sites. I see this hobby of ours as something we can do together for years.

The finishing touches

After the body of your book is finished, read it through together and celebrate your child’s accomplishment. Plan a story hour: wait for Daddy to come home or invite some neighborhood children over to read your new book. But before the moment of the big reveal, you have one more important step to complete: creating a cover. Come up with a clever title, create one more illustration, and put the most important line of the whole book on the front: written and illustrated by ______.

Have you and your kids done any illustrated writing? Do you make books together? What is your process? We’d love to hear how you and your kids write and illustrate your stories!

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The following is by editor Kara Fleck.

The holiday season brings with it many opportunities for saying thank you.  During this time of year, most of us make a point to show our appreciation for gifts, yes, but also for the kind acts, thoughtfulness, time, and love given to us.

I know that some of you had really a difficult year in 2011.  While I’m so thankful for our sweet baby Mia, 2011 also takes with it some events that I’m glad to see become a part of the past.  My family faced the challenges, learned a few lessons, and now we are ready to move on.

I bet some of you are, too.

I read your emails and your blogs and some of your comments here, and I know that there are people out there hurting and thankful for the fresh start of 2012. 

Many of you suffered losses, faced challenges, and found yourselves and your families in trying circumstances.   My wish is that those of you who are hurting for it, get that fresh start.

And for those of you for who 2011 was a year of great joy and happiness, I hope that 2012 finds you with double the blessings!

Gratitude

In Amanda Soule’s book The Creative Family she talks about The Gratitude Alphabet, a simple exercise where you take a large piece of paper and write down the letters of the alphabet and then think of something you are thankful for for each letter.  A little silly, yes, but as Amanda writes, it … “really does make us feel more aware of how full, loved, and blessed our lives truly are.”

In that spirit, here is my New Year’s Wish for you dear readers, as a thank you for all of the ways you have made writing here at Simple Kids such a blessing to me.

My New Year’s Wish for You and Your Kids

N is for new perspective, which can help us to see our differences and our obstacles in a new light and even lead us to solutions and compromises.  Find reasons to celebrate, don’t be afraid to make mistakes (none of us is the “perfect” parent after all), learn, and let go of regrets.  It is a new year, a fresh start!

E is for encouraging imagination.  May you and your kids always find room in your daily lives for stories, funny jokes, wild and daring adventures, and thinking out of the box.   Seek out the silly, the wild, the messy.  Find delight and if you can’t find it ready and waiting for you, make it up for yourselves!

W is for wonder. May you and your children never lose your sense of wonder and even find new ways to encourage  asking, “why?” and “how?” and “do you suppose?” in 2012.

Y is for young-at-heart.  My wish is that your children keep you in touch with that playful side, that place within each of us that stays young-at-heart, no matter how many trips we’ve taken around the sun.  Get down on the floor with your kids and play lego or dolls or puzzles.  Go outside and build snowmen and sandcastles together.  Giggle and laugh and run and play and don’t be in too big of a hurry for your kids, or yourselves, to grow up.

E is for easy.  Those of you who have faced tough times, even conflicts, I hope 2012 brings some ease.  I hope you find easy moments where you once found challenges.  I hope actions that once seems difficult for you or your child come naturally in 2012 and that it is a year of break-throughs.

A is for art.  I wish for you and your kids a year of art  – art enjoyed, art made together, art experienced.  Surround yourselves with beauty and seek out the inspirational.  Personally, some of my favorite works of art involve a pack of crayons and a sheet of paper.  Create together and experience art together!

R is for rituals and remembering.  May you and your children find time to create memories and establish family traditions and rituals.  Whether a story at bedtime or a new birthday tradition or Saturday mornings at the library, may you find that rhythm that speaks to your hearts and dance to it.  These are the days to remember!

Happy New Year! May it be all you are wishing for!

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As we were planning this year’s Home for the Holidays,  it was important to all of the editors at Simple Living Media to make it about giving in many ways, not just presents and giveaways, though those are wonderful things.

We decided that we wanted to dedicate a day to shine the spotlight on some great organizations doing amazing things for others.  Each editor picked a cause near and dear to her heart and I chose the Mother Bear Project.

Make a Bear. Make a Difference.

I first learned about The Mother Bear Project through some of the knitting podcasts that I listen to.  Last fall many of the podcasters had a knit-a-long, making bears to donate to the charity and I was intrigued.

As a knitter, the act of knitting brings me comfort, and my hope is that the knitted items I make for my family and friends bring them comfort and joy, too.

But I loved the idea of knitting projects being made to bring comfort to people I don’t know, will never even meet, but who have a need that I can fulfill – a way to reach out and make a difference, one stitch at a time.  I knew I had to find out more about this organization.

The Mother Bear Project is dedicated to making a difference and bringing comfort to children impacted by AIDS/HIV in emerging nations by giving them a handmade bear.  The bears are knit or crocheted and then given to the children with a tag signed by the crafter who poured his or her love into the stitches.

As a knitter, and as a mother who knows how much her own children are connected to their stuffed animals, I was immediately drawn to the project.  When my kids are sad or scared, they cuddle with their “lovies” and find comfort. Every child deserves to have a bear to love and cuddle – to find comfort.

I can’t imagine the hardships and heartaches children impacted by AIDS and HIV face, but I only have to look at the faces of my own kids to know that I need to be involved in making a difference.

To date, the Mother Bear Project has made 69,200 bears. I would love to see Simple Kids readers push that close to the 70,000 mark – and together I think we could do it!

There are lots of ways to get involved with The Mother Bear Project, even if you can’t knit a stitch.

Get Involved

The pattern for the bears (knit or crochet) is $5 and you can purchase it online or by mail. You create your bear, everyone uses the same pattern, and then send it to Mother Bear along with $3 to cover the cost of shipping.  The bears then head off to their new homes, ready to be loved and offer comfort and joy.

However, you don’t have to knit or crochet to get involved with The Mother Bear Project.  In fact, there are many ways you can help get bears into the arms of  kids around the world who need their comfort.

You can …

• Knit or crochet bears
  
• Sponsor bears
• Join the Mother Bear Project on facebook
• Purchase Mother Bear gifts
• Make a monetary donation
• Donate needed supplies
• Volunteer

I plan to knit a bear in honor of each of my children.  I’d love to have other Simple Living Media readers knitting and crocheting along with me. I’ll be checking in and updating you on my progress in the coming months as I create my bears.  I hope some of you will join me.

If you don’t knit or crochet, I encourage you support this worthy charity in other ways.

Together, I think we can help The Mother Bear Project make a difference in the lives of kids affected by AIDS and HIV.

“Make a Bear. Make a Difference.” – the Mother Bear Project motto

Learn about the other charities we love:

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The following post is by contributor Amanda Morgan from  Not Just Cute and originally appeared in November of 2010.

All kids love sharing….as long as that means you have something to share with them! But when it comes time for these little ones to part with some valued treasure of their own, they quickly set aside their passion for equal divisions.  Here are a few reasons why sharing can be such a struggle, and some simple steps that we as parents can take to ease the way.

Children are Not Developmentally Designed to Share

Three things to remember from a developmental standpoint:

1. Young children are naturally ego-centric.

They see the whole world through the lens of their own wants and desires.  Giving something up because it makes someone else happy requires a very big mental leap.  This means that we have to gently teach them over and over to recognize and value the feelings of others.

2. Young children are  naturally seeking power.

It’s a motivating source that allows them to learn and become more proficient and independent.  If sharing is presented to them as a loss of power (“You must give something up“) rather than as an opportunity to be powerful (“You can choose what or when to share”/”You can help someone be very happy“), they will naturally resist.  Help children recognize the power in sharing.

3. Social skills are learned.

As is the case with social skills in general, children don’t naturally develop the ability to share.  Just as they don’t wake up one day knowing how to write their own name, they won’t suddenly be able to navigate the social art of sharing on their third birthday.  Be aware that sharing requires practice, which always includes mistakes along with the successes.

So how can you teach your child to share?

Here are a few approaches:

Give your child plenty of opportunities to share neutral items.

Sharing your favorite toy is much harder than picking out a treat at the store with the express purpose of sharing it with friends or having a cousin over to play with a sprinkler you can enjoy together.  Give your child plenty of positive experiences sharing with others.  Call attention to their efforts and the happiness it has brought to others, as well as the happiness they feel themselves.

Play turn-taking games.

When you play simple games like Candyland or duck-duck-goose, your child practices turn-taking.  She begins to realize that even though it isn’t her turn now, she will get a turn.  It helps her to regulate and control impulses, to delay gratification, and to recognize the need for others to have a chance as well.

Teach social scripts for sharing.

Young children are still developing their language centers and often lack the verbal proficiency required to negotiate with their peers.  It is much less laborious to simply connect impulse to action and make a grab for it!  Teach your children specific scripts they can fall back on when they want to share.  Teach these scripts in role-playing situations where the grounds are neutral and emotions are calm.  Remind children of these exact scripts in play situations to call their minds back to that learning session.

One script I have had success with is, “Can I have a turn when you’re done, please?”  This one works well because it communicates to the child in possession of the coveted item that sharing doesn’t mean giving it up right away.  It gives them the courtesy of finishing, and the power to decide when that is.  It is much less threatening than abruptly being asked to give something up.  Secondly, this script lets the child that is asking know that he/she will need to wait a moment.

The funny thing is, many times when I’ve coached children through this script, the child with the toy (who not two minutes earlier was tenaciously gripping the item in a tug-of-war) decides he is done within a matter of seconds.  The difference is, it was on his own terms.

Teach the art of the trade

.  For some children, when they’re asked to share, all they see is what they’ve lost.  They grip that item like a lifeline, not only because they don’t want to give up the toy, but because they don’t want to give up the power it represents.  In these situations, it is helpful if children now how to negotiate a trade.

During a recent playdate with his cousin, my son came to me tearfully.  “He has my car and it’s special!”  (Most things around here instantly become special when it comes to sharing.)  I asked my son if maybe together we could find something he did feel OK about sharing and trade that with his cousin for the “special” car.

So we went to the box of cars and selected three really cool cars that he could share.  With all three in hand he went back to his cousin and asked if he could trade all three for the one.  I sat back as my son sold his cousin on the trade.  They made a swap and – presto – two happy boys sharing cars.

As with other social practice, the key is to remember this is a skill you want your children to be able to eventually use independently.  Try not to swoop in and negotiate the trade yourself.  Guide, prompt, and redirect if it fails, but avoid taking over.

Your Influence

Don’t underestimate the power of your influence. As parents, we are instrumental in the social development of our little ones.  Find plenty of opportunities to model sharing, talk about sharing, and to compliment your children as they make progress along the way.  Sharing may not come naturally to most children, but with your help they’ll master this childhood challenge!

How does your child do with sharing? Have modeling sharing, talking about sharing, or other tactics helped with this?

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As parents, we know that the source of much frustration for children is an inability to communicate what they are feeling – particularly when those feelings are big and scary or upsetting.  A few months ago, we discussed some peaceful and positive solutions for anger and hitting.

Several weeks later, a friend of mine emailed me to share with me an unexpected and powerful outlet for these big feelings: journaling.

Here is what she wrote:

I have been talking to EB a lot over the past couple of months about journaling.  I think it started when she saw me writing and asked what it was . . .  I told her that journaling is something she could do for herself, explaining that it is a great way to just get your thoughts and feelings out of your head, no matter what you are feeling.

Do you journal thoughts, feelings, and ideas? Have any of your children take up this form of communication?

This post originally appeared October 2009.

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The following is by contributor Amanda Morgan of Not Just Cute.

Iremember the first time I really became personally interested in the stories of my ancestors.  I was a newly minted teenager when a family friend pointed out how much I resembled my great grandmother.  She was referring to a picture I had seen on a shelf my whole life.  I had noticed her, and probably even been interested from time to time, but it wasn’t until after that comment that I suddenly became interested in her as a part of myself.  From that moment on I didn’t just look at her picture, I looked for myself there. Her long, dark hair, the shape of her lips, the outline of her face.  It was suddenly not about features, but about connections.

My great -grandmother died when my grandpa was just a toddler, so my family didn’t have much in the way of memories to rely on, but what we did have were her stories.  These were handed down verbally through the family, and also recorded in a journal that she kept.  And just as with her picture, I began to look for myself in her stories as well.

Whether it was sharing her drive to learn as she wrote about begging for permission to leave the farm to attend college or the correlation of our tom-boy reputations, I began to have a personal connection to her stories.  They became part of my personal narrative.

Strengthening Families with Stories

Researchers like Dr. Robyn Fivush are studying family narratives and the effects they have on children.  What they’re finding is that the sharing of family stories and memories help as the children begin to build a sense of self and construct their own identities, and promote social and emotional well-being.

From inspiring stories about great -grandparents finding their way through the Great Depression to the familiar tale of how Dad broke his collarbone while on his paper route, the act of sharing family stories shape who we are, our personal identities, and our connections.  They help us bond with our families and find our place in the grander scheme of life.

As Dr. Fivush talks about shared family narratives, she outlines two types of stories.  There are the “Today I” stories as we talk about the ordinary experiences that happen every day, and also the intergenerational stories that pass verbal histories all along the family line.  Both types build strong families and a healthy sense of self.

Photo by Paul Schultz

Just as the types of family narratives can vary from the ordinary to the exceptional, the ways we invite the sharing of these stories varies as well.  Here are a few ideas to help you be more intentional in building and communicating your family narrative.

Share a meal.

The simple act of eating meals together encourages your family to share many of those “Today I” narratives Dr. Fivush speaks of.  Perhaps this is just part of why family meal time has been correlated to so many positive outcomes for children and adolescents.

Talk.

My husband’s parents instituted the practice of nightly talks when their children were very young.  Each child (all eight!) would get one-on-one time with a parent to talk about the ups and downs of their day.  It’s a tradition that has been carried down to their children’s own families, though the grandkids still revel at the chance to have Grammy “do talks” where she spins tales of their parents’ childhoods or her own.  Create spaces in the day for individual connection and conversation.

Gather.

Any time my dad and his brothers got together we could be sure of one thing:  they would break out the pinochle cards and laugh raucously as they playfully argued over the correct details of family lore.  A gathering can be a formal family reunion, or a casual family barbecue.  Whatever the original purpose, it seems to be a sure thing that when families gather, stories will be shared.

Look to the past.

Connect your children to those family members who have already passed on.  Having pictures of your ancestors in your home can spark conversations about their legacies and narratives.  Celebrate their birthdays by sharing their stories, eating their favorite foods, or giving service to others as a way to honor them.  These traditions will become like your family’s own special holidays.

Create your story.

Last summer, I read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller.  It really struck me that just as a writer carefully crafts the components of a good story, we can be just as intentional in creating the story of our lives.  The book is a wonderful read and prompted me to write the post, The Power of the Memorable Scene.  Over at Simple Mom, Tsh has been reading the same book and has written inspiring posts here and here about living a good story.  Remember that sharing the stories of your family’s past is powerful, but also realize that you are in the middle of creating the stories you will share tomorrow.

What do you do to consciously create and share your family’s story?

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The following is by editor Kara Fleck.

Last week I wrote about the three types of friends I think every parent should have.  I know that having people in my life who don’t pass judgement on my parenting choices is very important to me.  In fact, in today’s critical world, it is crucial to have a support system.

Not everyone will be supportive of us, however.  Parents especially seem to invite scrutiny from others.  Everyone has an opinion on how children should be raised and some of us find ourselves getting advice (and lectures) practically from the moment we announce that we’re starting a family.

Encounters with those who make us feel like our lives are under their microscope can be emotionally exhausting, to say the least. Then, there are those who take it a step further and openly criticize our parenting.

• Fact #1: We aren’t going to be able to please everyone.
• Fact #2: There are those who want to make sure we know that!

Normally, I am my own worst critic, but there are a few people that I cross paths with in life whom I suspect are trying for that title. Perhaps you’ve got someone in your life like that, too?

Now, I don’t always handle criticism perfectly.  However, I am much better at handling criticism than I was, especially as a new parent.

I’ve learned some coping techniques over the years and picked up some things from parents wiser than I.  I want to share a few of those with you today, in case you find yourself struggling with criticism.

Here are three strategies for dealing with criticism that work for me:

1. Don’t Mistake Curiosity for Criticism

I have pretty thick skin, but when it comes to my children, I will admit that there are some holes in my “armor.”  Because of this, I can find myself on the defensive when someone starts asking a lot of questions about why my husband and I do or don’t do something a certain way as we raise our children.

I find that it is helpful to take a step back and really listen to the way I am being questioned. Sometimes people genuinely want to know why we do or don’t do something and a healthy discussion can occur, as long as I don’t start out on the defensive and too sensitive to the topic being discussed.

2. Agree to Disagree

There are those, of course, who question us but are not open to hearing the reasons behind our decisions.  We’ve all come across that relative or coworker or acquaintance who brings up a topic up just because they want an opportunity to tell us all the ways that we are wrong.

In some cases, that comes from concern stemming from their genuine love for our child and I can appreciate, even value, that.  However, I am my child’s parent and I have a right to make my own decisions (and even to change my mind or make my own mistakes).

I find that there are some issues on which certain individuals and I will never see eye to eye.  In those cases, to preserve the relationship, it is best to find a way to agree to disagree.

That usually means having to actually say the words, “I can see that you feel strongly about this.  I do, too. You mean a lot to me, so we need to agree to disagree about this and move on.”

Easier said than done in some cases, I’ll admit.

Which brings me to my final strategy …

3. Set Limits

You aren’t under any obligation to constantly defend yourself or your parenting decisions, so don’t waste your time and energy doing so.

Especially if you’ve already walked down this path with this particular criticizer, set a firm limit.  You are entitled to set a limit on the time you spend together or the subjects discussed.

Just because someone wants to dish it out, doesn’t mean that you have to take it. And you absolutely don’t have to stand there and let someone criticize you in front of your children!

Bean Dip

One of my favorite strategies for setting limits on critical conversations is to change the subject with the “bean dip” response - “Yes, Mrs. Busybody we are still ____. Can you pass the bean dip?” End of discussion. No arguing, no further discussion, that is it.  If your subtle hint isn’t picked up on, smile and walk away. You have my permission.

Yes, the argument could be made that it is rude to walk away when someone is talking to you, but I would counter that it is equally ugly social behavior to openly criticize someone else’s parenting choices.

The “Bean Dip” (or pizza, or cupcakes, or whatever is nearby) response is something I first read about on a parenting message board years ago. It has become an inside joke between my husband and I when dealing with critical people -  “Could you believe Mrs. Busybody at the company picnic today? I had to ‘bean dip’ her twice before she got the hint and dropped the subject.”

Draw a Clear Line in the Sand

Sometimes there are extreme cases of criticism where you have to set limits regarding interactions. “Look Uncle Bertie, we love you, but if you’re going to insist on bringing up XYZ every time we meet, then I’m afraid we’re not going to be able to spend time together.”

Now, do I think there is a time and a place for being an advocate for a parenting decision or a cause?  Of course.  But the company picnic or Mother’s Day lunch at great-grandma’s probably isn’t it.

Let Them Talk … You Don’t Have to Listen

Of course, with some people, none of these things will work and even if we walk away they will continue to criticize us.  Somehow these people always find an ear willing to listen.

That’s okay.  Their behavior says more about them than it does about you – and at least this way, if they are gossiping to someone else, you don’t have to listen to it.

How do you handle criticism?

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While this Spring cold continues to work its way through our house, I wanted to share with readers today one of my favorite posts from the archives.  Originally written by Megan Tietz in June of 2009, there are some great suggestions here for helping our kids control their anger.  I think you’ll find it an article worth bookmarking, as I did when it was originally published.  – Kara

I have noticed that with my oldest daughter, the “half-age” mark generally brings with it some negative behaviors that we have not yet encountered.  For example, she was delightful at two, but two-and-a-half brought new meaning to the term “terrible toddlerhood” – there were many meltdowns and days of frustration for both of us.  Three was exciting and fun, but three-and-a-half introduced transition troubles and sibling rivalry angst.

Dacey is exactly four-and-a-half today, and true to form, we have had a new issue come up that we have not had to deal with yet – hitting. She never went through a hitting stage as a toddler, so this is all uncharted parenting territory for me.  Because I believe in the power of parenting as a community, I’ve been asking around and taking notes on what others are doing in response to the problem of preschoolers who hit.

Here are six of the most helpful suggestions I have found for hitting and other negative angry behaviors:

1. Hand Claps

My friend Corey is educated and trained in early childhood development, and she offered me this suggestion: Sometimes kids don’t know what to do with their hands when they want to hit, so  teaching them to clap their hands when they are angry gives them an outlet for the need to act out with their hands.  This serves the double purpose of alerting me to the fact that intervention might be needed in an upsetting situation.  The angry hand clap has actually been one of our most effective solutions.

2. Angry Art

When possible, I try to direct Dacey away from the situation that is causing her to be angry enough to want to hit and over to the art table.  Releasing her frustration onto a blank piece of paper often means lots of broad strokes and harsh dots.  With a little gentle guidance, she becomes distracted with her art and is able to bring her anger under control.  She has created some really interesting art out of her anger!

3. Self-Regulation Games

Preschoolers have not yet perfected the self-regulation required to stop themselves from acting out physically when they are angry.  One suggestion I have come across is to play self-regulation games to help develop and mature the ability to “flip the switch” on their emotions when anger causes them to lose control.

Some fun self-regulation games include:

• Red Light, Green Light
• Simon Says
• Dance Fast, Dance Slow
• Sing Loud, Sing Soft

4. Safe Place

A parenting message board member shared this solution: establish a “safe place for big emotions” in your home.  Dacey has started doing this on her own – when she gets angry, sad, or frustrated, she runs and hides under her sister’s crib.  While she is under there, she engages in a lot of self-talk, talking to herself about why the situation made her “so, so angry!!!”  A safe place could be a corner with lots of pillows or favorite stuffed animals.  It could be a cozy chair or a window seat or even a little pop-up tent where your child could go to work through angry emotions privately.

5. Time-In

We have begun implementing “time-in” times in our home, and it has been extremely effective.  A time-in is different than a time-out in that rather than a child sitting alone as a negative consequence to a behavior choice, the child sits with a grown-up for some cool down, snuggle, and talk time.  This works best for us when Dacey is frustrated with Aliza Joy for not sharing toys or for messing up her artwork.  It removes her from what instigated the anger and allows me to speak quietly and comfortably about how she can respond to her sister in ways that don’t involve hitting.

Time-ins can also work when you are outside of the house and the “safe place” option isn’t available.  A time-in can happen anywhere – at the home of a friend or relative, at the park, in the grocery store – anywhere you can gather your child up and hold and talk them through their anger.

6. Modeling

This is the most challenging and yet perhaps the most important solution to  helping little ones know what healthy responses to anger look like.  I’ve been making a conscious effort to “use my words” when I feel frustrated or angry.  Instead of silently fuming, I will say, “Oh my goodness!  This is just making me so frustrated right now!”  Or I might say out loud, “I can feel myself getting really angry over this.  I am going to take some deep breaths while I cool down.”  When we are around the house, I might even say, “Girls, Mama needs to have some time-in time while I cool off.  I am going to go sit on my bed.  You can come to talk to me about how angry I am feeling if you want to.”  Almost every time I have a “mama time-in,” Dacey will come sit beside me and say, “Okay, Mama, now take a deep breath . . . okay, now take another one . . .”

Children learn so much of what responding to anger means by watching the grown-ups in their lives.  This has challenged me to further develop and mature my own responses to upsetting situations – knowing that oftentimes I’ll see my own response in my girls the next time they get upset.

This is, of course, only a partial list.  What solutions have you found to be the most effective for helping children learn peaceful solutions to upsetting emotions?

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Earlier this year, I had the pleasure of attending Blissdom and I got to hear Brene Brown’s opening keynote speech.  The entire speech was good, but one thing that she said has really stuck with me over the months:  the idea that we all need “a friend who would move a body for us.”

Go over to Brene’s blog and read the story behind this phrase and then come back here.  It is a good one.  I’ll wait for you.

What we need is a friend who will stand by us and not pass any judgement or ask too many questions.  A friend who will just jump in and help us out when we need them.

I agree that friends like that are a rare treasure, and for me, I know that parenting has shown me that we need those treasured friends as part of our support system.

Okay, so we don’t need someone to move an actual body, but most of us do need someone to look past the sticky spots in our lives.  We need the kind of support and encouragement that doesn’t come with conditions because parenting, as you know, can be a messy business.

We need someone who can overlook the messes (literal and figurative) in our lives, someone who doesn’t pass judgement, and someone to whom we can turn to during vulnerable moments and vent without worrying that our emotional words will be thrown back in our faces.

Someone Who Can Overlook the Mess

A few of my girlfriends and I have a deal:  we don’t clean before we visit each other’s homes. It is radical, I know, and contrary to the example of the good hostess many of us have been raised to be.  But, what a joy it is!

Not only does this agreement save the pre-company frantic cleaning, but it also allows us to really enjoy each other’s visits and gives us the reassurance that yes, these are real homes with real families living in them and real messes.  It takes the stress and the pretense away.

There are the everyday messes of life with kids.  And, sometimes there are messes because we are in challenging seasons of life that demand we put our time and energy somewhere else besides the housework.  We need people in our lives who we can open our doors to, no matter what is going on.

Before my third child was born, my mom and my sister-in-law, Jennifer, came to stay with us and watch the older kids.  While they were here, these wonderful women not only cleaned my house from top to bottom but they filled our pantry and freezer with delicious things to eat once the new baby arrived, too.

Now, there aren’t very many people I could let see my dirty laundry or the dust bunnies underneath our beds without cringing, but these two women  passed no judgements on me but sincerely wanted to help and make our “nest” as cozy as possible before we brought our new baby home.  I’m very blessed to have them in my life. And, if they saw anything that horrified them as they were cleaning my home, neither one has ever mentioned it to me.

I think everyone needs a friend who doesn’t see that your floors haven’t been mopped this week (month?) or that the baby is wearing only her diaper or the kids are still in their pajamas at lunchtime.  Because we all have days like that.  Every parent needs a friend who can come over on a bad day, without passing any judgement, and be an extra pair of hands.  A true helper.

Someone Who Makes No Judgements

When you choose a simpler path for your family and step out of the mainstream, sometimes that means you are making different parenting choices from your friends and family.  Now, I don’t mind a healthy discussion with someone who genuinely wants to know why we do what we do.  I’m generally  happy to recommend books and websites for further information on a topic.

However, sometimes you don’t want to be an advocate for a cause.  Sometimes you just want to spend time with a friend without having to explain yourself or discuss parenting philosophies.

We shouldn’t live in a bubble, of course.  And what one family’s simple, as I often say, might very well be another family’s complicated. There is no “one size fits all” although some will try to convince you that there is.

I think we all need someone in our lives who parents differently from us, whether that difference is something  like the type of education we choose for our children or the religious service we attend, or something less significant in the big picture, like cloth diapering or having a gift-free birthday party or enrolling our kids in dance lessons.

The key, I feel, is that we need the company of someone who may do things differently but also doesn’t pass judgement on us or expect us to constantly be defending our choices. And, vice versa, someone whose choices we can respect as well, even when they are different from our own.

There might people in your life whom you feel are constantly looking at your parenting under a microscope.  Those people are exhausting to be around, am I right?  What a joy it is when we don’t have to feel like we are being judged or in competition with another parent.

I suppose what I’m saying is that, as parents, we need to be around other parents and families where there are differences, but that the differences don’t matter to the friendship.  Those kind of relationships are good for us and for our kids.

Photo by Kara Fleck – We all have days like this

Someone to Whom We Can Vent

My kids aren’t perfect and neither am I. I make mistakes.  I get burned out.  My kids misbehave. I can admit that here, right?

There are times when that “body” that I need a friend to help me deal with is my own.  I know that I have days where it seems that one thing after another piles up and before I know it, my attitude is reflecting the stress that I feel.

I’m very fortunate that in those times, I have people that I can turn to and vent and they know that I don’t really want to “sell it all and move into a yurt” or “run away until they graduate.” *  They know that I’m just having a very bad day and need to get some things off of my chest.

Likewise, I hope they feel that they can turn to me and cry or yell, too and I know that they aren’t really going to “lose their minds” but they are just feeling the stress of this very important parenting task and need to let off some verbal steam.

*What?  You’ve never said these things?

I know that those words and foolish things I might say in the heat of the moment or at the peak of frustration won’t be thrown back in my face at a later time. I know that I am safe with these people to vent and break down.  These are the friends who love me, and my kids, without expecting either of us to be perfect.

Everybody Need Somebody

If one is lucky, we have these three types of friends or perhaps even one or two people in our lives who have all of these qualities.

The important thing, I believe, is that every parent has someone that they feel safe being real and honest with during the sticky, stressful, far from perfect times of our lives. Whether that is a spouse, a family member, or a friend, we need people in our lives whose support doesn’t come with conditions.

We need that friend who would, as Brene Brown says, move a body for us.

By the way, Brene Brown is the author of The Gifts of Imperfection and I highly recommend her book as well as her TED talk.  Her blog, Ordinary Courage, is one of my favorites, too.

I treasure my “move a body” friends. Do you have people in your life whom you know would help you without passing judgement? Do you have people that you are comfortable seeing the messier sides of your life?

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© 2009-2012 Simple Living Media, LLC | All rights reserved - This feed is provided for the convenience of Simple Kids subscribers. Any reproduction of the content within this feed is strictly prohibited. If you are reading this content elsewhere, please contact hello@simplelivingmedia.com to let us know. Thanks.