Five Ways to Leave Your Kids Speechless

[really_simple_share]

silence

The following is a guest post from Kathy Stowell of Bliss Beyond Naptime.

My name is Kathy and I married a non-talker.

The man can go for days without saying a word but when he does everyone’s all ears and laps up each and every single, quiet, mono-toned, but potency-packed, syllable.

Over the years his borderline mute ways have shone a light on my latent desire to fill every empty airwave with ongoing commentary, idle questions and ramblings that can sometimes lead us down the rabbit hole of too much information. Especially for little ears that, unfortunately, make up the bulk of my listening audience.

Of all the ways to simplify tossing out the excess in the form of spoken words is often an overlooked way remove excess from our lives.  Since shining a simplicity seeking searchlight on this realm I found a refreshing contrast between wading in an eddy of tranquil silence and floundering against the tide full of chit chat flotsam and jetsam.

Some of the savory side effects of zipping it more often than not include:

  • time and space for words to sink in and be properly digested
  • less distractions from the important work of deep play
  • conservation of precious Mama energy from having to repeat herself the kids listen more
  • a sense of peace in the house

It’s by no means a Vispassana retreat center here but by bringing awareness to this dimension of being human has made a substantial contribution to our quest for simplifying our parenting and our lives.

silence2

Five Ways You Too Can Talk Less to Your Kids

1. Filter your next utterance with these three questions: Is what I’m about to say true, kind and necessary?

This is a great filter found in Kim John Payne’s book Simplicity Parenting that, like everything else in parenting, takes some practice until it morphs into habit.

Write them down on piece of paper to post on the fridge or come up with a secret hand signal for you and your partner to remind each other. It’s a great team-building exercise to come up with one. I like miming a key locking my pursed lips.

2. Don’t ask about feelings so much.

It’s difficult for the little ones to find the words that describe the nuances of emotions and until around the age of nine. Plus, being little sponges that they are, they’re susceptible to projection at this time. Allow this age set to process in more nourishing, age-appropriate ways such as physical exertion, established rhythms and deep imaginative play.

3. Sing it, Sister!

My daughter watched The Sound of Music for the first time ever the other day. She loved it and I got to confide in her my childhood fantasy of being a Von Trappe kid. Why not get a little Maria and sing a bit of the day away instead of talking?

Learn a few simple songs by picking up a wholesome kids’ cd or refresh your memory with nursery rhymes you grew up with. Eventually the verses serve as an effective transition tool for moving from one activity to another. Before you know it you just simply have to hum the first few bars of “do a deer” and your kids will march off like little soldiers of love to wash their hands before dinner!

4. Get close and personal when offering instructions.

When you find something to say that has dripped through you true, beautiful and necessary word filter, and is particularly important that it be heard (such as a set of instructions or important reminder), stand physically close, with a strong but loving presence  and make eye contact. Be matter of fact but speak with soft eyes.

silence3

5. Offer fewer choices.

It’s easier to be matter of fact when you’re not presenting a long list of options to pick and choose from. Kids are easily overwhelmed so sometimes even two choices can push them over the meltdown edge. So don’t ask if you can help it.  That also goes for the high pitched ‘okay?’ I often catch myself doing at the end of some sentences. Don’t do it. Okay?

Like any simplicity making changes, this one isn’t going to be easy. But be gentle with yourself, celebrate the small triumphs and observe with curiosity your edges of discomfort and breathe into it. Again, work with your partner to give each other support and the reminders you will need along the way.

And above else make it fun. Yes, the silent treatment can be fun!

Kathy Stowell is a mother of two, Mama Bliss Coach and certified Simplicity Parenting Workshop Leader. Her next Simplicity Parenting Ecourse  begins May 1st in which the exploration of how filtering adult content and limiting screen time can enrich our children’s experience of childhood will be celebrated and supported.  Come back tomorrow for a special giveaway from Kathy!

[really_simple_share]
About Kara

Kara Fleck is the editor of Simple Kids. She is a small town mama, writer, knitter, bookworm, and hooligan. Kara lives in Indiana with her husband Christopher and their four children Jillian, Max, Lucy, and Amelia. You can find more of her writing at KElizabethFleck.com.

Teaching from Rest: A Homeschooler's Guide to Unshakable Peace

Comments

  1. Kimberly says:

    Being a non-talker myself, I feel like I have the opposite problem. I find I struggle to talk to my kids and engage with them more. I think my husband feels like I’m not particularily interested in what he has to say sometimes because I don’t verbally respond as a sounding board unless he directly asks me a question (unless its something I disagree with :-) )

  2. I love how dynamics between couples play themselves out in so many variations! I wonder if he’s inspired by your non-talking ways like I am with my partner. My only suggestion is to toss him the occasional smile so he’ll know you’re not mad (my non-talker is also a bit of a non-smiler. It’s just his natural facial expression so when I’m feeling delicate I get a bit needy for words).

    Do you feel like your kids and partners are hungry for more verbalized engagement? Or I wonder if it’s our culture’s expectations seeping in to you that might hint that there is a problem if there is not a whole lot of constant banter going on.

  3. I’m speechless! Really, I haven’t heard this perspective before, and I appreciate it. I tend to fill the silence with words too, and I think it makes my kids less prone to listen in the long run. This also integrates well with the Bible’s instruction to build each other up, and to be careful with our words because they have the power to bring life or death. Thanks for sharing these tips.
    Amanda´s latest post: On Sunday night remembrance

  4. Thank you. I have become very aware of my “word excess” lately – I’m frustrated that my kids are responding to my requests, but how do they know that request is important if it’s in the middle of a long stretch of un-important nonsense.

    I’ve also noticed that I keep talking even when my husband is giving them direction or information. When I listen to myself, it sounds like I don’t trust him to parent correctly. Ouch!

    I need to close my mouth more and be more MINDFUL when I am speaking. Learning, learning, learning.

  5. This is beautiful. Really, truly. I need more of this in our house. I have a very sensitive 3-year-old (“spritited” and very bright) who gets overwhelmed easily with excess banter and drama (kinda like both hubby AND myself). Often when I’m having an in depth conversation with… well… anyone… she ends up crying and screaming “STOP TALKING”. while this isn’t exactly acceptable, it’s definitely a bell of mindfulness… maybe i SHOULD stop just talking so much about so little just to fill space.

    • Out of the mouths of babes, hey? ;) So happy to offer some reminders to this often overlooked area of removing excess ie what no longer serves.

  6. I so needed to read this. Thanks for sharing!
    Olivia´s latest post: Earth Day 2013 + how to grow an avocado tree

  7. I think this is a stepping stone to a wider practice of mindfulness as others have said in the comments. If you can pass this onto the little ones they’ll have a valuable tool for future life, especially when stresses like school exams come their way.
    Liz @ Must Have Father’s Day Gifts´s latest post: Life-saving mosquito nets

  8. Lindsey says:

    I’ve decided that the reason many of us ask “okay?” after we talk to the kids is because we’re searching for some form of confirmation that they have heard us and will comply. I’m trying to teach my kids to say “yes mom” when they understand something, and if they forget to say it, I’ll say “yes mom” and they almost immediately repeat it. It’s nice to know that at least on a surface level my message was received.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] you enjoy Kathy Stowell‘s guest post yesterday on ways to communicate with your kids using less talking?  I know that I really appreciated her perspective and her advice gave me some good takeaways to [...]

Share Your Thoughts

*


4 + = 7

CommentLuv badge